Vulnerable

Vulnerability comes at the worst of times. It swoops down like a vulture when you least expect it to. It leaves you exposed to the dangers of the world, left wide and open like a book and then it invites the hyenas to come and prey on you.

That's what vulnerability does. It tears us out wide open and brings all the evils to come and play. It sits back and enjoys itself. It watches with glee. It laughs.

In moments of extreme vulnerability, we find ourselves in a spot so extremely indescribable, that all the emotions we have tried to suppress comes spilling out our eyes in the form of tears, out our throats in the form of choked sobs and barely audible words as we wail. 

We've all felt vulnerable more than once in our lives. It is human nature to fall down every once in awhile and not get back up until the strength finally returns. Vulnerability is the evil that courses through our veins. It is the one that infests our weak little minds. We are the puppets.

The other day could not have been a bigger moment of vulnerability for me. I've barely felt vulnerable, mostly because I sit on my own high horse and really could not care about others or anything else. I am a conceited, blind pig and I have always been happy that way.

It was a bad bad day coming back feeling more disappointed. I had worked so hard just to see all my efforts crumble into remnants of dust. And I came back feeling less of a fighter but more of a loser - a very sore one. And then I saw it - it was just a note. The kinds my mother always leaves me giving me instructions on lunch because I'm that much of a dumbo when it comes to kitchen affairs. But it was just that this time it was different. 'Enjoy! Love, mummy." It was those particular words that made me break down.

It's almost as if she knew it would be a bad day. In that one moment as I cried for barely any reason, I felt most vulnerable. It felt as if invisible bombs were being dropped on me. And so I cried and I cried and I cried.

And after all those tears, the vulnerability left me. It just did of its own accord. Maybe it pitied me. Maybe it was done with my tears.

But it left. And I know it won't come back. 

Because I won't let it.

XO!

Somebody else.

Why yes, ladies and gentlemen. I am still alive (and kicking). 

My last post was posted on January 27th which hit me that it has been exactly a month since I last blogged. Mostly it's because I've been preoccupied with all my thousand one commitments in school and outside school. Juggling so many things at once is no easy feat and sometimes, I feel like dropping my little juggling pins for a little while and do something called rest (which by the way has become almost a rare thing to achieve). 

But here's a little update of what else has kept me really busy lately.

During CNY, my baby cousin came down from the States and taking care of a little ball of energy can be the most energy-sapping things yet it is so highly entertaining. My cousin especially, is only three-years-old but has the most hilarious things to say.



The last time I asked him what red on the traffic light means, he said "STOP." Then I asked, "What about yellow?" And he answered me with a "Pretend to stop!"

And he was joking.

I swear he has more wit than half the Malaysians around lol wtf.






YAY MY BLOG CAN HAZ  DOSE OF UBER CUTENESS! (And by cuteness, I meant BOTH the subjects in the picture :p)

Also have been spending time with really awesome people :')

So yeah, my life's not been much because I spend most of it in school, studying and playing volleyball whenever I can. 

This year, however, I'm just a different person. Sure, I'm still spiraling off the brink of insanity but I'm so much more solemn now. As if everything I've taken with me all these years have begun to burden my tiny shoulders.

But I feel as if even with these mere two months that I've pocketed in 2012, I've become a changed person. I used to be, well,  this big crazy ball of ecstatic happiness that couldn't be suppressed. Half the time I was running around like a mad lady (ok lah I exaggerate) and randomly breaking out into song (not exaggerating). I said whatever I liked, did whatever I liked and yeah, I was a pretty happy, contented kid that way.

 In class, I used to be a main source of noise (I still am lah whenever I don't stress my head off) but nowadays, I sit in the front and do (most of) my homework (I EVEN DO SIVIK NOW WTF) and shush my classmates whenever their noise does my head in. 

I still randomly break out into song though except that I don't sing as loud (and as out of tune). I don't know but I just feel like a more serious person and whilst most would say that it's me just growing up, I feel like it's just a big dampener for my spirits.

And I'm not even FAIR anymore (dramatic sobbing ensues). All thanks to volleyball, I am little more than a dried up brown piece of girl. If you didn't know, I used to be the epitome of the snow queen but now I could pass off as a croissant wtf. 

Le friggin sigh.

But hey, here's a candid, embarrassing picture of me pigging out at Wendy's! 

Huzzah to quality fast food! (McDonalds and KFC, I am talking about you.)

XO!

A blissful nothingness

I love this great big void of nothingness. It stands gaping before me, a huge yawning hole stretching into a deep abyss that looks as forbidding as it sounds. I wake up in the morning with a happy heart, looking forward to this endless nothingness of nothing that leaves me happy and contented.

It's none other than my holidays. My wonderfully leisurely holidays that consist of absolutely nothing. And I can't remember ever feeling so blissful in weeks. Not since school started and a great big bout of depression washed over me. Not since my schedule was turned upside down by the average maladies every student suffers from - tuitions, extra curricular activities, severe lack of sleep. Not since my life started to revolve around a place I loathe with every fibre of my being (school, duh).

It feels good, this holiday of utter nothingness, of sitting down on my arse with a good book in hand, of taking hours to make a simple meal (because I can), of sleeping for hours and not getting interrupted by an alarm clock reminding me of the horrors of school, of doing things I would probably never do should the school term begin again.

And I can't help but think - when will I ever feel this way again?

I've taken up a bajillion new commitments this year - Head of Communications for the Prefect Board, sub-editor for the Editorial Board, head of English Society, random AJK for volleyball, debate, Starstruck and so many more, I cannot even begin to count them with my fingers.

My life is weighed down by a million things to do. I'm forever creating new checklists but they never seem to be finished. All I'm left with at the end of the day is just an ounce of energy and a whole load of sapped out tiredness I cannot even begin to sleep off because of the everlasting time constraints my life seems to be built on.

I often ask myself why I go through all this but I don't really have an answer. Perhaps it's because I love all these things and I'm grabbing my opportunities whenever I can. Somehow these tiny shoulders of mine will have to bear the weight. God forbid I come out more stooped than I already am at the end of the year.

Life for me is as usual about over-achieving, reaching for the stars even if they're too far away and doing things I probably shouldn't but of which I'll do anyway. I'm THAT type of person, yes I am. I don't look like much (and I don't feel like much either) but I do ... much (because I can't count it y'know, not that I can't do grammar or anything lol).

So here I am, enjoying the remnants of my holidays before I dive head-first into a pool of misery. Brace yourself hun because the ride is not going to be one you will enjoy.

But it's all worth it ... right?

(By the way, this is not a complain post. I'm just ranting my head off and since this is my awesome space, I am very much allowed to do so, thank you)

XO!

Of new years and volleyballs!

The sound of firecrackers wake you up first thing in the morning. Brass cymbals and drums make a fast rhythmic beat that thrums in your heart. The smell of good food, smooth red packets in your fingers and laughing relatives milling about - this is Chinese New Year. A time of prosperity they say but also a time for reunion, for loved ones to gather and for everyone's hopes and dreams to weigh down their wishes for a happy new year.

Chinese New Year for me is always quite a boring affair. It is a time when we all retire from our incredibly busy schedules, sit down and watch TV all day without feeling guilty. It is also a time for pigging out, when all health and medically related worries are thrown out the door. Cookies and other sinful whatnots make their way into our tummies and none of us feel any worse. In fact, with festive songs blaring in the background and childrens' laughter echoing in the rooms, everything is made all the more worthwhile.

This CNY, my family members were down with a bad bout of food poisoning. I was completely fine so all I did as they moaned and groaned from tummy pains was stuff my face with an entire jar of cookies all the while wondering what to eat next. Yup, I love CNY!

Happy Chinese New Year, everybuddy!

Pictures above are of me in my cheongsam. I think I look rather chubby in it TT (will most probably wear it again once I have gotten my supermodel body bahahaha)






Reunion dinner with the family :)

-

So just last week, the girls and I went for MSSD volleyball.

To be pretty honest, none of us were actually ready. Most of us have only been playing for about 7 months or so. In my case, I've been fooling around during volleyball all the time and suddenly everyone lands a huge bombshell on me by saying, "You. You're in the team and we're going for MSSD." and I'm all like *splutter splutter* "WHHAAAAATTTT???"

Initially, I begged to be a sub. "Nooo, I can't play for nuts. Please let me sit on the bleachers! I'd make a good cheerleader!" Needless to say, I got lots of death stares and lots of "Min Hui, shut up!"s. I got so freaked out and worried that I'd end up looking like a total loser on court (I still do though) that I began to start training endlessly. I became less of a fool in volleyball (still am though, hehe) and really, when I say I tried my best, I really did. I have LITERALLY shed blood (bruises and cuts count down they?), sweat (lots of it *shudder*) and tears (yes, I have) all in the name of the game.

If you want proof, you can very well see I'm as brown as brown can be. Yes, melanin has taken up camp in  my skin and I will no longer *chokes back sob* ever be *more sob* fair again *breaks down*. 

On a brighter note, everyone says I look less of a sickly kid now so um, yay! I look like a baked bun so that means I must look like a healthy kid. Yay again?

Best team mates in the whole wide world!


Super ugly morning faces when we first arrived at school :'(






Yeaaaaaah, that's me pretending to act all cool with a volleyball.

I also have really, really, really embarrassing photos of me that I am going to post because I am unashamed like that! Bahahahaha.

Um .. yeah ... well I'm not like that all the time .. I guess.

Everyone wished us luck for our volleyball expedition and honestly, I felt really touched but I also felt that we misled them to think that we were undefeatable! HAHAHA. Well, sadly, we were and yeah, we lost (miserably so). I didn't think we actually stood a chance against people who have been playing for years but I think we did well for ourselves.

Volleyball began as our own initiative. We don't have an official coach but a really awesome friend who's willing to teach us the ropes. We literally had no financial backup or any aid from the school. And we're the first team EVER from SMK USJ 12 to be sent for MSSD volleyball. Thing is, we all began playing for fun and little did we know it would somehow escalate into a school team and a club at most.  So, honestly, I think we've won the bigger battle ourselves. And I couldn't be prouder of my awesome friends ;)

Well, that's it for now. Happy CNY once again to all of you!

XO!

Life and expletives

I've been cursing far too much lately, more than is mentally healthy but really, there is no other word that describes life best than a well-spoken expletive. People think it's not right at all for a girl to curse - especially a 'cute little one' like me (vomits) but even cute little girls have problems in life. And these problems can only be summed up by a bloody good curse of course.

It's just instinctive really for my tongue to do the work and spew something  horribly unpleasant out. After all, I live in a household where expletives and the sort are completely normal so you can't blame the poor bugger (my tongue, I mean. Yes, I did just call my tongue a poor bugger wtf). Each and everyday, something 'wonderful' and beneficial for my dying sanity is bound to crop up and there is little choice left but to say ... FML (in real words lah of course).

So here I am, a little cranked up from the week's many bitter happenings, a little on the grumpy side (Lie, I am very grumpy) and whining more than I should. But after everything that has happened this week, from watching almost everything I have truly loved crumble and die a slow, torturous death to dealing with the world's most difficult people, I am exhausted and I am drained. So here it is, the little precipice that keeps me from falling dangerously into the pit of mental disorders  ... FUCK.

:)




YAY, EXPLETIVES AND THEIR MAGICAL EFFECTS!

Okay, that was a weird, weird statement so please ignore me and yes, you may revel at the happiness and excitement my face so wonderfully radiates in the picture above.

Or you may throw a shoe at me for being a total nutcase in this post today. Either way works except that I may fling that shoe back a little harder.

****

So just last week, I worked as a promoter for Stuff@School at the Star Edu fair in KLCC. Let me just tell you one thing before I begin ... being a promoter is one hell of a tough job. I imagine the best promoters out there must have the thickest skin to deal with all the weird people out in the world. I am pretty thick-skinned myself but really, this job ... this job is like no other.

People are mean, hostile and rude. They cut you off abruptly and are just plain disinterested. I understand that everyone's views on salesmen and the like are never too positive but really, cut these people some slack. They've gotta work and they've got something to sell.

In this case, I was barely even selling anything. Just giving out editions of Stuff@School for free and trying to rope in anybody at all who would be mildly interested in our journalistic plight. I only got a handful but they made my day just by being interested (and feigning interest) in my work.

So here's a public service message for all of you: When someone gives you a flier, JUST TAKE IT. You can go home and burn it/recycle it/use it as toilet paper and do whatever you like but just take it. Don't ignore the person (that's the most painful one of all). Don't shake your head and say no (really, where is the harm in taking a bloody flier? In this case it was a newspaper so it was a 100x better and still people said no wtf). 

But still, no hard feelings la. Just that, this job is utterly emotionally and physically draining but you know what? I kinda enjoyed it! That feeling when somebody accepts your newspaper (with a smile) ... that's an awesome feeling right there.

Overly perky me promoting Stuff@School!

And yes, I WAS really perky. I realise people like happy people so I was all smiles and saying "Have a nice day!" in my uber-ly squeaky voice. It didn't receive the best of receptions but it did receive some positive ones. Even if I was scowling on the inside, I plastered a smile on my face and tried my best and I do hope I did not come off as annoying (omg wtf noooo!).

'Workers' for the day! This is only one half of my Starstruck! members. Most of them are Form Five and will no longer write with me and pull my hair out with me and whine with me on assignments. Honestly, I'll miss them and all the craziness they bring to Starstruck! If you guys need good, witty and utterly insane conversation, they're the people to talk to.

And look, I am on the cover of Stuff@School!

I gave out this first edition to everyone and I couldn't help pointing out that my face was there (hehehe). Some people were impressed and others were just like 'O rly nah I don't give a shit' so ... yeah. But who cares! It was really fun posing for the cover and a little weird and forced too wtf. I was making really fake laughs at the time which just made my stance all the more awkward (I do look pretty weird there lol).

And yes, to all those out there who loathe pink - feast your eyes!

Well yes, this is my EXTREMELY pink room after being painted. I do realise I did go a little overboard with the colour but really, it's not THAT pink as it is in the picture (I think). The reason behind my crazy little colour obsession is that my room was initially a lilac purple. I mean, purple's my favourite colour and all that but it was just SAD. I wanted to walk into my room and feel happy instantly. Hence the pink :)

I'll be installing a huge new wardrobe (finally!) and wallpaper-ing half the walls so it won't be THAT bad :)You guys can all stop gaping in horror at me even though my room does look like someone chewed a gigantic bubble gum and popped it in the room by accident wtf.

That's all for now and don't worry, I'll be back soon once everything settles down (if it ever does). I have a million commitments this year even though I hate school or really what's left of what it used to be. Le sigh. 

Oh well, nothing a curse can't solve.

XO!

2012 is here!

Holy shit, it's 2012.

To be honest, if it wasn't for that darn blockbuster movie that depicted the end of the world during 2012, I'd be a whole lot more optimistic. But half of my depression also comes from the fact that every person I know can't stop talking about SPM and just how hard you have to study for it. Like people, please shut up because you never know who you're driving to suicide (me) because they haven't bothered studying at all or thinking about studies during the holidays (also me).

Yeah, life is pretty great right now (not).

It seemed to me during my younger years that Form 5 would always be a millennium away. I also always jokingly tell myself that I probably won't live that long (IKR, I am so pessimistic). But it's here and well, it feels horrible.

But I'll try and be optimistic and look at things in a brighter view (pretty impossible but yeah) so um, yeah, YAY FORM 5 OMG THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE AH I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

(sigh)

****

I spent New Year's Eve with the volleyball gang. It was actually my first time celebrating it with my friends because all these years I've been stuck at home watching the silly countdowns on TV and trying to be happy about it (only to fail miserably). But this year it was a pretty great celebration.

I think it was one of the cutest too because everyone cooked their own food (I'm serious) and we even took the liberty to decorate the house!


Weng Ni and Jin Jun with their sandwiches ;)




Chef Loo and Chef Lau in the house!


Failed sexy look he was attempting.


Jin Jun and Nicholas making our banner! They were measuring everything so precisely as if it was rocket science. Crazy people.




My masterpiece, y'all!


Weng Ni!


Qi En, Fui and my finger :)


One half of the twins.




Super no face moment. Everyone was laughing at how red I became but I was seriously embarrassed TT


The food we cooked!


"If God could make a sandwich, this would be the sandwich." Quote by me hahaha.




With the girls!




And the guys! :)


Potato au gratin I made. It was really good (as usual :p)


Spot me trolling yo!




Spot the twins' dad photobombing at the back HAHAHAHA.




Hokkaido cupcakes! Who knew our coach could bake?!


Retard.




Yup, it was a great New Year's Eve that I had ;)

I hope the twins didn't get in trouble because the confetti from the Party Popper we popped sort of flew into their neighbour's yard, hahaha.

****

Anyways, I don't know why but every time a new year comes in, I always start to feel depressed. It's been the same all these years and most of the time, I've been horribly sad. SPM is only, well, a few months away and yes the thought does make me want to jump off a cliff (in glee wtf). It seems to me that life only gets harder from here on out. I've been weathering so much for so long, I wonder if this final challenge will get the better of me.

We'll just have to find out.

In the meantime, happy new year once again guys and all the best in your endeavours this year.

p/s: OH MY GOD I STILL HAVEN'T MADE ANY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YET TT

XO!